A Two-Way Communication

I took a shower tonight. I was overtaken with a wave of gratitude and joy and surety. I knelt down and prayed and let the water spray my back. I think showers are very grounding and cleansing to the spirit. I am so grateful for our Heavenly Fathers love. I am so grateful that everyday I have afresh start, a new challenge, and something to learn and grow from. I am grateful for communication between Heavenly Father and his children. I am grateful for showers.

Moments Of Impact

We watched The Vow tonight. I loved it. I loved the amount of love it showed; how love is undeniable and all about the spirit and soul of a person. I loved when he talked about moments of impact and how they make us who we are. How one act, large or small, can be the turning point in someone's life; one moment of impact that can change everything.

Eat Frozen Blueberries

Sick Heart

I didn't go to dance tonight. I feel sick. I feel sick in my chest and right below my sternum bone. I keep breathing, imagining I'm breathing it up and out of me. It's the kind of sick that there is no medicine for, I just have to heal it myself. I am grateful for trial and how they make me stronger.

The Death Of A Boy

A boy that was in my math class is dead. He was shot by his brother, they were both drunk and everyone thinks it was an accident. I can't believe it, I saw him less than a week ago, and now he is dead. Cameron Charlton. I didn't know him that well but still it's mind-blowing. I will pray for his family and friends and especially his brother. Life is only so long and we never know when it will end for us or others. You never get a day back; you can never redo or relive a day. Treasure each one, be grateful for even the most awful of days. At least you are alive, that in it of itself is something to be grateful for.

Squeaky Shoes

We went to Savers today for the Memorial Day sale. It was a good time. There was this tiny little Asian girl there, probably two years old, and she was darling! She had the straight front bangs and all. She would just stand there and watch Eden and I, then turn around and run away. She had these little shoes that squeaked every time she stepped, so funny! Well we got some good stuff, it was a good trip. I got a swimming suit; whole piece,  cheetah print, and an old retro cut and style.

Immeasurable And Eternal

There is much danger in having an open heart. It brings the greatest joy of course, but it can be hard. Through our lives we love many people. We may only fall in love once, but we love many, and many times. Sometimes I wonder if my heart will disappear in the end; many people take small pieces of it and by the end of my life I wonder if it will be scattered all around the world with those whom I have and do love. But I know that there is no end to love, it is immeasurable and eternal. Love does not have a limit, it never runs out. So guess I decide now that I will allow this heart of mine to love whomever it will love, no matter if I will ever see them or if they do not return my love. I believe that we, even here on this telestial sphere, are capable of love so great that we cannot put it into words or even comprehend it. It's fascinating to think that Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother and Jesus Christ love us with an even greater love. The saying, "All you need is love", is truth; love of one's neighbor, love of one's self, and love of God.

Steve's Farewell

Jordan, Eden and I went to Steve's farewell. Sacrament meeting was absolutely beautiful, they spoke on personal revelation. Steve did such a great job. I met Joe and JonhRobert (Steve's brothers). They are a neat family, I really like them. We went back to his house for the party and ate french toast with coconut syrup, hash browns, fruit kabobs, and bacon. The Canaans and Jordan sang and sang and sang all day, I absolutely loved! They are all so talented. They did this song called "Cue The Sun" by Daphne Loves Derby, it was so beautiful. We went over to Jordan's grandparents so Steve could thank Jordan's grandpa for the pen he gave him for his mission. He makes pens. Steve's has wood that is from the celestial room in the Draper temple. Jordan's grandma showed us around her house; her museum. Her home is SO decorated, every room has a different theme; America, Safari, Fairy Tale, Garden, Dolls... It was so incredible. And Jordan's grandpa let Eden and I choose a pen! I chose one with brushed aluminum, silver, and wood from one of the trees on the Salt Lake temple's grounds.  I slept on the long drive home.

Baseball And Fireworks

The game was good all in all. We had to wait for a half hour before they opened up the stadium, and when we were waiting we got whistled at by two cars full of boys. Some males are so irritating I just want to poke them in the eye. It was freezing. Good thing we brought two blankets and gloves and beanies, but still I froze. The Bees lost, a sad 0 to 9. It was fun to see Eden at work, she is a HoneyBee and so darling. There were fireworks after the game. So so lovely. They turned off all the lights in the stadium and the wind swept the fireworks away as they exploded against the black, overcast sky. I love fireworks. I love baseball. I love my funny little siblings.

I Dreamt A Music Video

I had such a strange sleep. It felt like I was half awake. I dreamt a music video to one of Mermaid Baby's songs. These guys had taken four white sheets and tied them together and put a ton of dry leaves in the inside to make this huge white ball thing. The whole thing was in slow motion. These guys took turns running this thing down this forested hill, one of the guys was big and had long frizzy hair. Well at the close of the song, the guy threw the leaf-filled sheet ball into a log and dry leaves went flying everywhere.   The dream ended. Pretty funny. I woke up singing the song, but I can't remember how it goes just now.

Sleep Is The Answer

We did nothing tonight. We looked for movies on Netflix and through our DVDs--nothing. Eden put "Aquamarine" on and I just wasn't in the mood. I tried to sleep but couldn't. I feel incomplete tonight and like my heart and lungs want to be outside of my body. So irritating. Just go to sleep, just go to sleep, I tell myself. I'm tired and have a dry cough and I think I'm getting a stuffy nose. I am looking forward to tomorrow--no school, bopper show at the studio, then over to the Ballou's with Eden. Yes, sleep is the answer. Sleep is many times the answer.

Pineapple Tongue

I have eaten so much pineapple in the last two days that my tongue feels raw. But it's so delicious!! Maurin's little bird died for real this evening, no coming back to life; dead as a door nail. I feel like my insides are buzzing...I need to go do something. Eden and I are trying to think of something fun to do. I love her.

A Miracle Of Sorts

This morning Maurin came into the kitchen and told me that her little baby bird had died during the night. We were very sad, it was darling. A little later she comes down and tells me it's alive! "It came back to life!" she told me. Sylivia even checked to see if it was dead before and when she had poked it's cold still body it hadn't moved, but now it was moving around! Severin held it against his chest and blew warm air on it. Something seemed to have happened to it because it was acting drunk; it couldn't stand on its own and its head was wobbling all over the place. It was actually hilarious to watch. Raised from the dead that little chick was, a miracle. I guess its doing better now and has recovered from its "intoxication". What a funny thing.

Last Day Of Junior Year

I woke up tired from a night of fitful sleep. But a warm shower helped, and I made it through my last day of my junior year in high school. I wore a black shirt, high-waisted striped shorts, sea horse necklace, white socks, my black old lady shoes, and red lipstick. It doesn't feel like it's really summer, this year nearly flew by, especially this last semester. I am grateful. Today was cool and a bit windy. In English, Premont said, "And Emma, when you finish writing your first novel let me know." I definitely will, hopefully I'll have Waking Dreams done by December before I graduate. And I'd like to work a little more on Riata as well. I think I will take a nap, sleep didn't come so easily last night.

A Sleepy Day

I stayed home and slept, and watched Jane Austin's "Emma", and slept some more, then went to dance. Class was hard, my muscles feel quivery, but I feel good. It's beautiful outside, a beautiful gray sky.

Old Poems

While I drank my smoothie I looked through my old journal. It is a 3-ring binder and has two plastic sleeves full of thoughts, drawings, words from me. It calmed me to look through it all. I found these two poems, they give me hope, and somehow remind me who I am.

Sun so hot. My face
Under its rays.
Mushrooms in the shade.
Mountains purple from my backyard. 
Egg shells; babies learn to fly. 
Running in green grass.
Daylight lasts forever.
Ants march.
Yellow daisies smile to the blue
Sky.




Rain clouds hang low
As if to suffocate us.
I take comfort from their cover.
Noise is hushed.
Yellow buttercups fill with rain water.
Deserted streets resemble riverbeds
And the earth is swollen with water. 
Yesterday is over,
Sunday is to come.

Wishing I Was Stone

I bite my bottom lip, and feel it quiver between my teeth. I will not cry. Be strong, be strong. Class ends, I cry on the way home. I hate myself for crying, I hate that small weak girl that lives inside me. When I get home I shower; the clean, warm water takes away my tears as them come. I cry and cry until I find myself on my knees. I sit there until the water turns cool, then finish showering. I step out and scrub my face dry with a clean towel, as if I could rub this girl away to reveal a stronger one. I wipe away the fog on the mirror and my face is still mine. Tomorrow will be better, I think to myself, tomorrow will be better.
I just want to feel solid. I want to not hate that fearful weak girl; I want her to be strong and determined. I want to be like Eden. I want to never feel like giving up. I hate that I want so much. And I hate that I hate. I always promised I would never hate anyone.
I'm done now. I will just wait for tomorrow, tomorrow will be better. I'll go to bed early, try not to feel anymore tonight. Sleep will help. Stupid stupid emotions, sometimes I wish I were stone.

Forward, Always Forward.

My skin radiates heat and glows with sunburn. I am grateful for the fan that cools me. Coconut and lavender oil attempt to heal the burn, I love the smell. I want to sleep in music tonight, maybe I will.

Sunday. May 20, 2012

Steve Cottle is our new bishop, many prayers for him. Good lessons today in church. I was reminded how little patience I have for people that are disrespectful. Made biscuits. We had chicken pot pie for dinner. After, we all went outside and looked at the eclipse through dad's welding helmet; incredible. Clay, Jordyn Gines, Eden, Lib, Syl, Sev, Maur, and I jumped on the trampoline all together and had such a good time. I got off and swung on the swing, it was fun to watch my family. Dad and Sterling were playing horse shoes, mom and Dal were talking, everyone else was still on the trampoline, and Bruce was chasing the chickens around. I love my family so so much. I imagined Michael there with us.
The eclipse made the lighting outside strange, it looked dingy (as mom described it). The grass is so beautiful and green and full; dad is doing such a great job at keeping it up. The weather was perfect.
Sylvia and I talked outside for probably an hour while everyone was playing around. I talked and talked and talked, but I think it helped her. I wish I could have recorded what I said so I could tell myself the same things when I get discouraged. My words were so full of truth and hope. She thanked me.
I read my patriarchal blessing today, I am grateful for it and am looking forward to living out what it foretells.
Eden went out with Jordan Ballou, so I did the dishes by myself. I am so tired.
I am so grateful for the people in my life that care. I am so grateful for the people that are clear and open and honest. I am grateful, I am grateful, I am grateful. I love Sundays.

Be Present

Be where you are. Be present, be present. This moment lives only once, as do you. The present is home--not the past or the future--the present is home. Never wish, just hope and have faith. Joy, contentment, peace. These are only truly found in the present. Be where you are. Be present, be present.

Speak. Express.

Sometimes, expressing feels like throwing up. When the words are trapped inside you, they make your stomach churn, your throat hurt, and your head ache. Sometime the words come out as an explosion, you can't help it. They might burn your throat on the way out--those long held words. But once outside of you, they no longer make you bitter or hurt. Much better. It is much better to speak and express.

Winking Practice

Today after class (ballet), we had rehearsal for the "bopper show" as Eden calls it. I was sitting watching and little Kenna looked over at me, so I winked at her. She attempted a wink back, so I winked at her again. We went back and forth a few times; winking. Little kids see everything, we must be aware of what we do and say. They absorb everything.

Cartoon Motorist

Driving home from dance, I have all four windows rolled down. The wind is warm though the sky is overcast. I love. I drive with one hand at the bottom of the steering wheel. I smile and almost want to laugh as a motorist whizzes past me. He is old with medium-length white hair going wild in the wind. His head is low and he reminds me of a cartoon. I decide I like him. I can just see my own dadda, smiling from ear to ear, zooming down the road on a-beast-of-a-Harley. He's always dreamt of that, I hope one day that dream comes true.

The Music Directs

I pull at my tights and adjust my leo. I prepare as the piano hums. Sweat drips from my hairline and makes my skin damp. My muscles quiver with the effort of the movement. My feet burn, ache, and cramp from my pointe shoes. I breathe and breathe. The combination is over and I melt into a stretch. Through it all the music directs my body's movement.

No Color

What if we lived in a black and white world? No color, no color.

A Gray Sculpture

I dreamt of a gray sculpture. It was of three people: one on a horse, one on the ground, and one in between them. The man in the middle was much larger than his neighbors, and His arms were stretched out, where they connected with the other two men. The man was Jesus Christ.

Summer So Close

One more week of school. My junior year is over, never to be lived again. The air nearly hums with excitement. Sprinklers make the grass green and full, and their shht-shht-shht is the melody to every day's song. Pants have been replaced with shorts and long sleeves with T-shirts. Skin has begun to darken to different shades of sun-kissed. Summer is so close.

Time With Sisters

Liberty, Sylvia, and I talked tonight for two hours. It was so fun. We talked about love and the future. We talked about boys and marriage. We talked about relationships and school. We laughed until we cried. Nights like these are bonding experiences. They remind us why we tell each other "love you, sweet dreams" every night. They make us feel like we belong. They make us best friends. I am grateful for these  special times with sisters.

Happily Exhausted

I woke up exhausted this morning. My whole soul and heart and mind felt so peaceful though. My eyes were puffy, but they felt smiling.

Regression

Mom and I did a regression tonight. Amazing. I saw myself at 11 years old, a little firecracker. I was so confident, so powerful, so optimistic and open. Ten feet tall.  I am so grateful for mom's skills and talents and how intuitive she is. I love her so much. I can change my life, I am in control. I choose truth. I allow myself to be ten feet tall. I am powerful. I am me. I am acceptable. I am amazing. I am that beautiful, little 11 years old girl. I am that glowing, wise spirit. I am. I accept. I choose. I allow. I flow. I express. I love.

The Clay

The clay morphs beneath my hands. And all of a sudden art is created. I shape and carve and mold. I find my ideas and thoughts in the clay; uncover, discover them in it.

Listen

Listen to their conversations: rambling nonsense. Listen to the tap of shoes on linoleum. Listen to the roar of unheard voices. Listen to the hum of the air conditioner and buzz of the lights. Listen to the teacher's tired voice. Listen to the desperate laughs. Listen to these young people silently begging for discipline, direction, and hope. Listen; you can hear it all. 

Red Lipstick

Smile at a stranger. Watch a silent film. Give someone a compliment. Wear red lipstick. Write a poem. Jump on the trampoline. Pick a bouquet of wildflowers. Watch a black and white movie. Buy a pocket dictionary.

Father's Blessing

Dad gave me a father's blessing tonight. It was perfect; everything I needed.  I am grateful for my two fathers; heavenly and earthly. I am so grateful for the priesthood. I look forward to receiving husband's blessings and watching my children receive father's blessings. I love men. I love the priesthood.

Train Racing

I drove along side a train today. There is something magnificent about those things.

MidNight Shower

Hot water. Pink razor. Smooth legs. Dove soap. Pomegranate shampoo. Soft hair. Coconut oil. Fresh.

Time

As life goes on, as we get older and wiser, we find that we cannot speed time up or slow it down, no matter how much we wish to. Time is the ultimate untouchable; it is space, air, universe, life.  It holds within itself the secrets of the future and the answers of the past.

Orchestra of Sound

Trees bow to the east
Hums the air
Underneath limbs I stand
Nature prepares itself for the storm to come
Drops begin to fall
Every thing holds its breath
Rain begins the orchestra of sound.

Flies of Butter

Harmonica plays my song of heart
Weaving a melody that traps me in it
I drown in the feel and sound of the art
As butterflies above me float and flit
They dive beneath invisible waves
And collect in my center to give me shivers
The flies of butter hide in my caves
Then erupt and jump like fish from rivers
I breathe in the blue of the music and sound
The butterflies exit with the air I wonder where the creatures are bound
When they leave my center and throat with care
I am left hollow inside
Void of the pleasure of nervous excitement
I find myself on the music's tide
As it reseeds and leaves me in the silent.

Live Silence

I listen to the silence
And hear all the sound
The buzzing and humming of the soundless
I listen and it grows
Until it deafens my ears
And for a moment all is dead
Silent.
The moment is gone
With the beat of my heart
And sound rushes back to my senses
It is clear to me now;
All here on earth
Every thing is alive
Living.

Sometimes

Sometimes...giving up is a relief that leaves a dull ache.
Sometimes...I would just like to sink to the middle of the earth and let the heat cleanse and heal me. I would resurface renewed; raw and solid and shiny.
Sometimes...I feel tired all the way to my soul.
Sometimes...I'd like to turn into music notes and float away on the sound waves.

Wandering

I feel like my heart is searching. Confused maybe. I'm not sure what it is confused about or what it searches for. But it does not feel like mine; this heart feels distant and lost. Maybe it is searching for something solid, something that will remind it that it is true and whole and good and constant. I step back from it, I will allow it its time of wandering. I will live in this body and wait patiently until this heart stops its searching and finds peace; until it returns to its rightful place in my chest.