"Pursuit Of Glory" by Jhameel

This song makes my heart ache for something...I'm not sure what.

A Fathers Blessing

Today before dance I felt awful: started my period and had cramps, stuffy nose, exhausted. I asked dad to give me a blessing. He did, and it was everything I needed. I went to dance and it was wonderful. I didn't feel my period at all, my nose was not stuffy at all and I could breathe, my dead pointe shoes worked, I felt great, I worked super hard and sweated like crazy and Ray was in such a good mood. Ah, it felt so good and I wanted to cry out of gratitude. I am so grateful for the priesthood and that my dad is a worthy priesthood holder. I am so grateful for the voice of the spirit and for the angels that surround me and assist me.

The Monday Before School

It is Monday night, school starts Wednesday. Eden and I are painting our room. She started school today, woke me up early to take her to the frontrunner. I took a nap today, a strange nap. This whole week I have felt like there is electricity running through my veins. I feel like I'm always wanting to rush, it's weird and annoying. Maybe it will help when school starts and Im not anticipating anymore. My shoulders ache and my hips are tight. Dance tonight was nice, I am working, working, working. It's 9:30 and I'm ready to sleep.

"Creative Insomnia"

Last night I couldn't fall asleep. I listened to The Young Romans over and over and over again. My brain was stuffed completely full, of dance and music and choreography and this coming year and Julliard. When I finally fell asleep I dreamt of wasps that could swim and this beautiful clear water. I woke up at 5 and tried to fall back asleep, but by 6 I gave up and got out of bed. I jotted down notes for my choreography, looked up scholarships, read scriptures, and changed my FB profile picture. Changing that picture held some kind of great significance. I was afraid to put it up at first...but when I did I found why I needed to; because I am, in a way, announcing my determination to fight for what I want. New York City is my back picture, I will audition for Julliard and I will go there. I feel this hot little flame in my chest and it makes me feel strong. I called mom this morning and told her about all this. She always wakes up in the middle of the night and does stuff. I will allow all of this creative energy come when it likes, even in the middle of the night. Heavenly Father, thank you. For everything.

Hope For The Hopeless

This is the poem I wrote during the intensive, Ray had me read it during the show.

My muscles quiver and my mind is plagued with doubt. We are ever fighting, fighting gravity; a fight we will never win. And yet we jump and spin and leap...we fly, always to return to the earth. My pulse matches the beat of the music, I take strength from the unity. I am reminded why I fight with all that is in me, for unattainable perfection. Because perfection is not perfect. Perfection is a vulnerable heart and an open soul.

2012 Summer Intensive Show

The family left Thursday morning for Las Vegas and Britt's wedding. That night we finished sewing our costumes for our choreography. Maurin slept with me, I didn't sleep very well but she slept great. I woke at 6 and then 9 and then just read scriptures. Getting ready for the day was fun. We took our time and did our stage make up and got everything together. We had class from 12-1:30, dress rehearsal from 2-6, dinner break 6-6:30, half hour to get ready, curtain at 7. Everything went well. Ray was happy with the show and proud of all our hard work. He thanked me for giving up going to Britt's wedding to stay and do the show. But no comment on my piece or my performance in general. He never does, never says anything to me. Always to the other girls, but never to me. I wish he would tell me that my piece was beautiful or that I did a good job on this or that. Or if he didn't like any of it that he would tell me. We got home late. I felt great about my performance, but I cried, cried harder than I have in about two months. Once I got it out I was fine, my sleep was awful. This morning Maurin and I cleaned the kitchen and made zucchini chocolate chip cookies. We were both exhausted so we relaxed and watched a movie. We painted our nails and then started choreographing ha, my brain is stuffed with movements. I feel so tired. The family gets back tomorrow. 

August 7, 2012

This week so far has been great. Dance has been awesome, I am growing stronger, and working harder is refreshing. I'm excited to perform. My heart feels so full as of late, life holds such promise, I'm so grateful to be alive. Gary Flannery is teaching us this week, Fosse is so so fun!! School starts in 15 days...I think I am excited...but I will miss this summer; it has been one full of much growth and discovery of myself.

Satisfied With The Day

I was home alone this evening. Eden was at work and the rest of the family is still camping. I cleaned my room and did all of my laundry. I cleaned my bathroom and emptied all the garbages in the house. I did the dishes and made a bomb dinner. I fed and watered the chickens and Thor, the goat. I showered and shaved. I made Eden a plate of food because she was on her way home, and I read my scriptures while I waited for her. We talked and laughed. I am tired and sore and ready for sleep. And when day comes I think I will be ready.