"Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above"

Wooden Dinosaur
Solander
The River Monks

"Pursuit Of Glory" by Jhameel

This song makes my heart ache for something...I'm not sure what.

A Fathers Blessing

Today before dance I felt awful: started my period and had cramps, stuffy nose, exhausted. I asked dad to give me a blessing. He did, and it was everything I needed. I went to dance and it was wonderful. I didn't feel my period at all, my nose was not stuffy at all and I could breathe, my dead pointe shoes worked, I felt great, I worked super hard and sweated like crazy and Ray was in such a good mood. Ah, it felt so good and I wanted to cry out of gratitude. I am so grateful for the priesthood and that my dad is a worthy priesthood holder. I am so grateful for the voice of the spirit and for the angels that surround me and assist me.

The Monday Before School

It is Monday night, school starts Wednesday. Eden and I are painting our room. She started school today, woke me up early to take her to the frontrunner. I took a nap today, a strange nap. This whole week I have felt like there is electricity running through my veins. I feel like I'm always wanting to rush, it's weird and annoying. Maybe it will help when school starts and Im not anticipating anymore. My shoulders ache and my hips are tight. Dance tonight was nice, I am working, working, working. It's 9:30 and I'm ready to sleep.

"Creative Insomnia"

Last night I couldn't fall asleep. I listened to The Young Romans over and over and over again. My brain was stuffed completely full, of dance and music and choreography and this coming year and Julliard. When I finally fell asleep I dreamt of wasps that could swim and this beautiful clear water. I woke up at 5 and tried to fall back asleep, but by 6 I gave up and got out of bed. I jotted down notes for my choreography, looked up scholarships, read scriptures, and changed my FB profile picture. Changing that picture held some kind of great significance. I was afraid to put it up at first...but when I did I found why I needed to; because I am, in a way, announcing my determination to fight for what I want. New York City is my back picture, I will audition for Julliard and I will go there. I feel this hot little flame in my chest and it makes me feel strong. I called mom this morning and told her about all this. She always wakes up in the middle of the night and does stuff. I will allow all of this creative energy come when it likes, even in the middle of the night. Heavenly Father, thank you. For everything.

Hope For The Hopeless

This is the poem I wrote during the intensive, Ray had me read it during the show.

My muscles quiver and my mind is plagued with doubt. We are ever fighting, fighting gravity; a fight we will never win. And yet we jump and spin and leap...we fly, always to return to the earth. My pulse matches the beat of the music, I take strength from the unity. I am reminded why I fight with all that is in me, for unattainable perfection. Because perfection is not perfect. Perfection is a vulnerable heart and an open soul.

2012 Summer Intensive Show

The family left Thursday morning for Las Vegas and Britt's wedding. That night we finished sewing our costumes for our choreography. Maurin slept with me, I didn't sleep very well but she slept great. I woke at 6 and then 9 and then just read scriptures. Getting ready for the day was fun. We took our time and did our stage make up and got everything together. We had class from 12-1:30, dress rehearsal from 2-6, dinner break 6-6:30, half hour to get ready, curtain at 7. Everything went well. Ray was happy with the show and proud of all our hard work. He thanked me for giving up going to Britt's wedding to stay and do the show. But no comment on my piece or my performance in general. He never does, never says anything to me. Always to the other girls, but never to me. I wish he would tell me that my piece was beautiful or that I did a good job on this or that. Or if he didn't like any of it that he would tell me. We got home late. I felt great about my performance, but I cried, cried harder than I have in about two months. Once I got it out I was fine, my sleep was awful. This morning Maurin and I cleaned the kitchen and made zucchini chocolate chip cookies. We were both exhausted so we relaxed and watched a movie. We painted our nails and then started choreographing ha, my brain is stuffed with movements. I feel so tired. The family gets back tomorrow. 

August 7, 2012

This week so far has been great. Dance has been awesome, I am growing stronger, and working harder is refreshing. I'm excited to perform. My heart feels so full as of late, life holds such promise, I'm so grateful to be alive. Gary Flannery is teaching us this week, Fosse is so so fun!! School starts in 15 days...I think I am excited...but I will miss this summer; it has been one full of much growth and discovery of myself.

Satisfied With The Day

I was home alone this evening. Eden was at work and the rest of the family is still camping. I cleaned my room and did all of my laundry. I cleaned my bathroom and emptied all the garbages in the house. I did the dishes and made a bomb dinner. I fed and watered the chickens and Thor, the goat. I showered and shaved. I made Eden a plate of food because she was on her way home, and I read my scriptures while I waited for her. We talked and laughed. I am tired and sore and ready for sleep. And when day comes I think I will be ready.

Kade

Kade Allred is my very good friend. From him I have learned that there are people in the world whom when you put great trust in them, they become the very best of friends. I am learning how to be more vulnerable, because that is the only true way to live. I thank him for his kindness and friendship and for accepting me when others wouldn't. I thank him for his eyes that see me in the light I wish I saw myself in. Father sends us people when we need them.

The Majesty Of His Creations

I sit on the old dead tree in my yard, the one blown over by last week's storm. The wind makes my hair dance. Above me the sky is cotton candy; wispy, pink clouds on a blue sky. The eastern horizon is the most magnificent of sunsets. I turn my face to the southwest and the sky looks of purple bruise, lightning electrifies the air in silence. My heart swells with the beauty of this world. Can my simple eye capture it all and my human's heart contain it? I look down and the wild green grass bows in the wind. At the base of a tall tree, not five feet from me, a family of small round mushrooms clusters together as if preparing for the advancing storm. I breath in deeply of the delicious air and wish I could bottle it up for days when my heart needs recharging. The once-cotton-candy sky above me has blown away and turned to thin clouds of grey-blue. Oh the power of our Savior's hand, and the majesty of His creations.

Summer Intensive: Laurie Sefton

The last three days were so great. Full of hard work, sore muscles, sweat, exhaustion, and lots of learning. It was so neat to work with Laurie Safton, she is very good at what she does. And she is not so unfeeling as she appears. After we finished yesterday, she told us she sees something in all of us. She said she got goosebumps watching us bring her vision to life, and she almost cried. She was very proud of us and gave each of us a hug. I look forward to working with her in the Fall and hopefully sometime in the future beyond then. I have learned many things from her, and many things about myself the past few days.

Apricot Syrup

It stormed last night, blew over one of our tall trees. Today was one of the most beautiful days I have ever witnessed. It was the perfect temperature and smelled like rain and there was a nice breeze. I have been bottling apricot syrup all day. Lib and I watched a period piece while we sorted the fruit and then we listened to John Mayer while we made apricot syrup and bottled it. I ate some with my pancakes and it was delicious. We opened all the windows and doors and it was just a lovely day.

Up-Date

It's been a while since I've written, but writing lately has seemed too hard. I am busy and haven't been able to find the time to allow the words to float to my mind and organize themselves. But all is well. We have started Summer Intensive at IBT and it has been a good week. I am sore all over and tired, but I am grateful. We went apricot picking yesterday after we got home. I sat in the top branches of a large apricot tree and picked for an hour. When gusts of wind would blow my branch would sway slightly and there was something I liked about that. Yesterday Ray started his choreography, he had Eden and I perform for everyone to show how he wants it. He likes the way we move with contemporary movement and how we make the choreography more than just vocabulary and steps but how we make it ours and real. Organic is what he calls our movement. I babysat Nina tonight. I love her. She had me hold her more tonight and I tickled her and tossed her in the air and we went on a walk and she sat on my lap and I read her books and I held her on my hip as I vacuumed and she put her little had on the handle to help me. I brushed her curly hair out and hoped that one day one of my little girls has curly hair. I got a letter from Tyson. It was so fun to hear from him. I love him.  He is such a good man. I am tired, and I feel like crying because of the gratitude that is making my heart feel too big and my throat tighten.

Merman

Maurin and I buried Severin and I sculpted the sand into a merman. We brought Bruce, he loved it and we wore him out. We had a homemade sub sandwich for lunch and chips and fresh salsa. The small cliff that was against our little beach was full of holes where small birds flew in and out of. I fell asleep on my stomach and got sun burned on my back. It was windy and I loved it. A beautiful, beautiful day.

Watermelon Monkey In The Middle

We brought a watermelon to chop up for lunch. Mom suggested we take it in the water to play with and to make it cold. Watermelons float. We played monkey in the middle but we didn't throw it. We just shoved it under the water, which was all the more fun because we couldn't see it and we didn't know where it was going to pop up. Mom and dad came in and played with us.

Clay Masks

We dove down to the lake floor and grabbed handfuls of soft, grey clay. We put it on each others faces. Dad just looked at us and shook his head, he loves us.We laughed so hard my stomach hurt. 

Time With Nina

I babysat Nina (year and a half) for the second time yesterday. We went on a walk and made kiss sounds at a cow and a horse to make them come to us. The horse was not cooperative, but the cow greeted us with a wet nose. I told her about every flower we saw and every animal noise we heard. Children need to be talked to, they are curious about life and everything in it. Even when they can't talk back to us, they hear and take in everything. I helped her brush her little teeth and I took out her short pony tail because she wanted to brush her hair. So dark and curly! We cleaned up her room and listened to the CD she loves. She had me hold all of her blankets and sat on my lap as I read her stories. She kept getting up and grabbing another book before I could finish the one I was on. I kissed her on the cheek, wished her goodnight, and placed her in her bed.

Nutella Hair And Pretzel Men

Eden and I dipped pretzel sticks into nutella and flung them up in such a way that it resembled little pretzel men with nutella Elvis hair. We use to do that when we were little, but with our fingers and homemade whipped cream.

Putting Maurin To Bed

Last night Maurin was sick and mom was at a birth and dad won't be home until Saturday. I tickled Maurin's back as I read the Book of Mormon out loud to her. I read three chapters and then slept. She snuggled up to me and slept soundly. Mom got home around 1:30 in the morning, she woke me up, thanked me, and I went down stairs to bed.

Sleep Running

I am sitting sideways on the couch, working on my online class. There is a fan blowing on my back and a huge cup of ice placed in my lap. Ice is one of my favorite snacks. I look over at Bruce, who is laying asleep a few feet from me. He is running in his sleep. Not literally running, but his feet and legs are twitching. His leg is still not healed, maybe he runs in his sleep to make up for not being able to run when he wakes up.

The Paper Kites

Beautiful music.

Sunday Outfit

Navy Blue pencil skirt with bow in back.
Blue and white stripped button up shirt.
Brown witch heels.
The rock and bead necklace to tie in red and brown.
Red lipstick optional.

Forgiving

Tonight was West Haven Days. We went to the rodeo and then watched the fireworks. I loved when all the lights in the whole park turned off all at once. My heart ached to have Michael there with me. After, on the way back to the van, we walked passed the girls from that awful ninth grade and the whole group they hang out with. I felt like I could throw up and literally had to stop myself from running away from them. Maybe its just that they hurt me so badly that I have such a hard time being around them. I have forgiven them, but they hurt me worse than I ever had been or have since. I wonder if I will ever speak to them again without being on my guard and clutching my heart tight to keep it from being hurt again. Honestly, I will probably never see any of them again after graduation, and I won't mind that. I pray for strength for when I have to stand in front of their judging eyes and bare my testimony in seminary. I feel that maybe this year I will heal, and rebuild the person I was before they broke me three years ago, but with more experience and a stronger, brighter light inside me. They hurt me more than I can say, but I am grateful for all they taught me. I forgive them.

Glowing Heart

Woke up at 3:30 in the morning and went to baptisms for the dead with my young women's group.
Sweet old men.
Clean feeling.
A silent temple square.
Glowing heart.
Peace.
Fasted all day until six at night and felt how it brought me closer to Heaven.

Telephone Game

Sylvia: "I was just thinking of grandma and Uncle Bobie and it made me think of bobas!"
Liberty: "Aw! You shouldn't have brought up bobas!"
Mom: "Poking who in the butt?"

:) Oh mother :) Just like when we play telephone.

I Choose

Last night Mandy and I had a really good chat. We talked about vulnerability and faith and the choice to be happy. This year for me is going to be...wonderful...but completely out of my comfort zone. I will be living on the spirit and guidance of God, or not at all. Being on seminary counsel is going to pull me out of this habit of invisibility. I will be seen, I will speak and be heard, I will influence and rise to whatever Heavenly Father needs me to be. This trip to Arizona has been exactly what I needed. I will get back to Utah and hit the ground running. I just have to breathe and allow everything to flow because I will be so busy and so pushed to my limits. But I am so grateful for this opportunity to grow and overcome the things that have held me back these three or four years. I choose to accept my calling here on earth. I choose to take responsibility for my experiences, because in reality I am the one who creates them.

Flood Light Soccer Game

The other night was a full one. We went to the Whitings for dinner and ate Hawaiian haystacks. I walked over to the school and called Eden and swung on the swings, it was nice to talk to her, I miss her. We left the Whitings house around eight and came back to Mandy's and got dress to go play soccer. We went to a park in the neighborhood, Tanner and two of his friends came. It was getting dark so we plugged in a flood light and shined it on the field. We played soccer. I was nervous, I had this fear of doing things that I wasn't sure I would be good at. But I am working on being vulnerable in all areas of my life and so I forgot what anyone else thought and I just had fun. Come to find out, I am pretty good at soccer. After a fun, hot game we came back to Mandy's and played a few games of basketball in the pool, then played Marco polo, then submarine. I woke up sore in the morning, but it was a good feeling.

Time In Arizona

My time in Arizona has been wonderful. I hold, feed, cook with, and swim with the little children and I love them immensely. Aunt Tammy gave me all of her Zane Grey books, I couldn't be more pleased about it. I am reading one right now and it is my safe haven of stillness and solitary peace. Maybe I shouldn't read, shouldn't escape into another world, but I love it and I figure maybe it is a release I need.
These children, as crazy as they are, make me want kids so much. Jenna is pregnant and about to pop, she should have her baby in the next week or so. I listened as mom and Mandy talked with her and I glowed with the knowledge that one day that would be me. Boston and his three teeth, the two little girls with their hilarious ways... I smile and am so grateful for their lives and little beings.

I keep having dreams, every night I dream something different and I just want a silent sleep tonight. There is a part of me that really just wants to go stay up in the mountains or on a ranch (a Zane Grey novel setting) and live there and work for strangers by myself. I wouldn't be expected to talk or entertain, I would just exist and soak in the stillness of such a life. But I live in reality and I know that I will only ever find that in my novels. I am seeing a repeating pattern of a need for stillness... yet Heavenly Father does not have that in store for me I'm afraid.

Model Walking Practice

We went to mom's cousin's kid's wedding reception tonight. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. There is something freeing about not knowing anybody and just watching people. They played good music and I danced with Severin and Maurin. Grandma and Grandpa were there and we talked for a little. They held hands when we were walking out, I like that. We were waiting by the van while mom finished talking to Grandma and Grandpa and we were practicing our model walks... pretty entertaining. I love my siblings. On the way home Sylvia said, "Mom, Sev needs to go shopping, his shoes don't fit anymore." Severin said, "No, I can't go shopping. I only go shopping every five years." Ha! That boy, got to love him.

Ava's Lullaby

This is just so darling: I'm sitting here watching Ava and Paisley. Paisley is laying on the ground, Ava is sitting next to her stroking her little sisters hair and singing a lullaby.

Swimming

We all swam this afternoon. Ava and I had a blast together. Once she tipped out of the floaty and I had to hurry and grab her. She doesn't know how to swim and going under water backwards could have been very alarming for her, but she held her breath well until I lifted her out of the water. She was totally fine and was so proud of herself for holding her breathe.

Arizona Summer Gloves

Last night after dinner I went for a short swim and then watched So You Think You Can Dance. I helped Ava and Paisley get ready for bed. Ava was cold from being in the pool and so she picked out long pajamas, a beany, gloves, and socks... keep in mind we are in Arizona in the summer. "So cold, so cold!" she kept saying as I helped pull the gloves and socks on her hands and feet. Really so funny, that little lady.

Drive Read Drive

I am now in Arizona at Mandy's house. The 12 hour drive went smoothly. I drove about half the time. When I wasn't driving, I was reading out loud to everyone. The book is an old western novel and it was so fun to read aloud, Lib and I would switch off when our voices got tired. By the time we made it to Mandy's house my throat was a little sore and my voice was rough. I love this beautiful family. Boston is getting so big and Ava and Paisley are darling. Love Love Love.  

Purple Thumb

We made homemade sub sandwiches for lunch today, they were very tasty. I took a nice shower and noticed that my thumb is purple. The swelling has gone down and I can move it more with out it hurting, but there is a nice purple bruise. We are going to drive up the canyon so Janelle and her kids can see it. I am going to let my hair air dry. It's so windy outside, I love it. I imagine the wind blowing all the negative, stuck energy away from me.

First Class With Jarrod The Ballet Man

Today Jarrod, from San Francisco Ballet, taught our class. It was wonderful. He is beautiful and loves ballet. I loved the way he talked about it, why he loves it. I was preparing to be invisible in class, but he saw me and commented and critiqued and I was glad. I felt beautiful and acceptable and I worked so hard. My muscles are exhausted and I am fully content. I prayed this morning for my angels to be with me, my prayer was answered. I am so grateful for angels and their willingness and desire to help us here on earth. It was a beautiful, educating, and inspiring class.

Monster Dream

I had such a strange dream last night. There were so many monsters in it. Not the kind of monsters that are in children's movies, but real monsters. Some were shadows without faces, some were huge and hairy with claws and teeth. They never caught me, because I ran. You should never run from anything in your dreams, because everything represents a part of you. If you are running from something in your dream, you are most likely running from a part of yourself or situation. I will continue to try and accept myself as a whole; every flaw and beauty. Stop running.

Girl And Dog

I stand in the kitchen, smile, and watch: Josie is in the mud room dancing in front of Bruce, who's head rests on his front paws and watches the little girl in front of him. She prances and twirls and begins to sing, Bruce's eyebrows twitch expressively. Josie skips to the dog and gently places her small hand on his nose, then pets his large, white head. I smile, and bless her for her sweet hands and trusting heart.

Courage

"Your mind will quit a thousand times before your body will. Feel the fear and do it anyway."

Beauties

The front room is messy. Fans stand next to the open windows to blow in cool air. The dishes are done earlier than usual. The kitchen floor is in need of sweeping and mopping. The computer desk is cluttered with papers. The windows need cleaning. I need to shower. Bruce stinks. The rock garden is being taken over by weeds and mint plants. But... children are heard, respected, and loved. Family is most important and has fun together always. The house plants grow beautifully. My pottery decorates the front room shelves. Music and laughter is the background sound to our lives. There is food in our fridge and pantries. We are healthy and strong people. The gospel blesses our lives. Books of knowledge fill the shelves. The grass is green and full. It is summer. And so so so much more. The beauties and blessings in life far outweigh the trials and annoyances. You see what you choose to see. Choose to see the beauty, blessings, and miracles.

Monster Tromp

Everyone is outside enjoying the warm summer evening. Maurin and Severin are jumping on the trampoline with water and soap. Dad, Clayton, Jordyn, Janelle's kids, and Sylvia are dipping circles of yarn in a bucket of soap water and then pulling them out and running with them, creating huge soap bubbles. Janelle is sitting in the grass taking pictures of it all. Manning does his monster tromp over to his mother and pats her on the shoulder, she turns her camera to him and he gives her a cheesy smile. Sterling and Dallin are sitting on the couch next to me--serenading. Sterling is playing the guitar and singing while Dallin sings along quietly.  I look out the window again, Bruce is rolling in the cool, green grass. The sound of house fans is mixed with the shrill of laughter. I love summer. I love my family. I love life.

Beautiful, Challenging Gifts

Woke up to the smell of pancakes and discovered it was fast Sunday. It was easy for me to sit at the table while the little kids ate, listen to mom and Janelle talk, and not eat or drink. I was grateful. I thought about what I wanted to fast for and decided I would fast for dad and Michael. As I listened to Janelle talk about her husband, it occurred to me that once you get married you and your spouse are one. You are responsible for one another, there is no room for selfishness or miscommunication. You pray with and for them, you fast with and for them, you endure with and for them... everything is together, your life is shared with another, and will soon be shared with children as well. I think having children strips a woman of her pride, arrogance, selfishness, control, and more. It makes a woman humble, faithful in her Father, patient, and so so strong. Of course, we are not perfect and often times it takes us a lifetime to learn one concept or attain even one value. But motherhood is a great, great blessing, and a key role in our pursuit to perfection. As for what having children does to men, I am not quite sure. All I know is that it makes boys into men. I am so grateful for those beautiful, challenging gifts that we call children.

Trip-Dive!

I woke up so sore this morning. We had pancakes for breakfast. We cleaned the house, then packed up and drove to Willard Bay. We stopped at the store to grab some stuff and I held Josie while Janelle and mom ran in. It was such a beautiful day, the water was pretty nasty but it was deliciously cold and refreshing. Manning was absolutely hilarious, such a cute kid. Lib and I decided to run and dive into the water to avoid the awful experience of going in slowly. So we ran...well the beach was rocky and its very difficult to run in water, so I ended up diving before I had planned (trip-dive!). I hit my hand on the bottom rocks--one rock jabbed into the meaty part of my thumb, paralyzing my whole hand for a good 5 minutes. It hurt so badly and swelled up. Eden, Liberty, and I fell asleep on a blanket. I couldn't help but wish the whole time that Michael could be with us. We had s'mores and Manning took his apart, ate the chocolate, then put it back together and left it on the table, (he is about 18 months old), then walked around with a chocolate smile. We packed up around 7:30 and headed home, it was such a fun and lovely day.

Old Car Show

Dance today was interesting. We did barre on pointe and I cried and worked hard and tried to be positive. For center Ray taught us a variation, it was fun. For the Art Walk (every first friday of the month in Ogden), I worked on my choreography. Ray had asked me to so I did. Abbey and Ashley stayed so I taught them choreography and we got some good stuff done, I'm excited. After dance I walked over to 25th street and met up with dad, E, Jordan, Lib, Syl, Maur and her friend. There was an old car show going on, it was fantastic! I love old cars with all my heart! We saw the Ellis's there and Gary's dad's car won quite a few prizes. It was such a beautiful night, the smell of summer is intoxicating.

Wet Trampoline

Janelle and her kids came up from Vegas, they arrived in the middle of the night and are staying the girls' room, who are staying with Eden and I. Mom woke us up around 7 this morning, I was so tired. We made waffles and when Janelle and her kids woke up we entertained them. Mom and Janelle went to check out the Montessori school so we baby sat her kids. We jumped on the trampoline as the sprinklers sprayed us. Josie held both my hands so tight, it was very cute. I held little Manning on my lap when Eden wanted to jump, that kid is so stinking darling! Every time I spend time around a mother of young children I see how.... selfless motherhood is.  It's a full time job, a continual service project. And I believe it is one of the greatest privileges of all. I am so looking forward to being a mother.

A Two-Way Communication

I took a shower tonight. I was overtaken with a wave of gratitude and joy and surety. I knelt down and prayed and let the water spray my back. I think showers are very grounding and cleansing to the spirit. I am so grateful for our Heavenly Fathers love. I am so grateful that everyday I have afresh start, a new challenge, and something to learn and grow from. I am grateful for communication between Heavenly Father and his children. I am grateful for showers.

Moments Of Impact

We watched The Vow tonight. I loved it. I loved the amount of love it showed; how love is undeniable and all about the spirit and soul of a person. I loved when he talked about moments of impact and how they make us who we are. How one act, large or small, can be the turning point in someone's life; one moment of impact that can change everything.

Eat Frozen Blueberries

Sick Heart

I didn't go to dance tonight. I feel sick. I feel sick in my chest and right below my sternum bone. I keep breathing, imagining I'm breathing it up and out of me. It's the kind of sick that there is no medicine for, I just have to heal it myself. I am grateful for trial and how they make me stronger.

The Death Of A Boy

A boy that was in my math class is dead. He was shot by his brother, they were both drunk and everyone thinks it was an accident. I can't believe it, I saw him less than a week ago, and now he is dead. Cameron Charlton. I didn't know him that well but still it's mind-blowing. I will pray for his family and friends and especially his brother. Life is only so long and we never know when it will end for us or others. You never get a day back; you can never redo or relive a day. Treasure each one, be grateful for even the most awful of days. At least you are alive, that in it of itself is something to be grateful for.

Squeaky Shoes

We went to Savers today for the Memorial Day sale. It was a good time. There was this tiny little Asian girl there, probably two years old, and she was darling! She had the straight front bangs and all. She would just stand there and watch Eden and I, then turn around and run away. She had these little shoes that squeaked every time she stepped, so funny! Well we got some good stuff, it was a good trip. I got a swimming suit; whole piece,  cheetah print, and an old retro cut and style.

Immeasurable And Eternal

There is much danger in having an open heart. It brings the greatest joy of course, but it can be hard. Through our lives we love many people. We may only fall in love once, but we love many, and many times. Sometimes I wonder if my heart will disappear in the end; many people take small pieces of it and by the end of my life I wonder if it will be scattered all around the world with those whom I have and do love. But I know that there is no end to love, it is immeasurable and eternal. Love does not have a limit, it never runs out. So guess I decide now that I will allow this heart of mine to love whomever it will love, no matter if I will ever see them or if they do not return my love. I believe that we, even here on this telestial sphere, are capable of love so great that we cannot put it into words or even comprehend it. It's fascinating to think that Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother and Jesus Christ love us with an even greater love. The saying, "All you need is love", is truth; love of one's neighbor, love of one's self, and love of God.

Steve's Farewell

Jordan, Eden and I went to Steve's farewell. Sacrament meeting was absolutely beautiful, they spoke on personal revelation. Steve did such a great job. I met Joe and JonhRobert (Steve's brothers). They are a neat family, I really like them. We went back to his house for the party and ate french toast with coconut syrup, hash browns, fruit kabobs, and bacon. The Canaans and Jordan sang and sang and sang all day, I absolutely loved! They are all so talented. They did this song called "Cue The Sun" by Daphne Loves Derby, it was so beautiful. We went over to Jordan's grandparents so Steve could thank Jordan's grandpa for the pen he gave him for his mission. He makes pens. Steve's has wood that is from the celestial room in the Draper temple. Jordan's grandma showed us around her house; her museum. Her home is SO decorated, every room has a different theme; America, Safari, Fairy Tale, Garden, Dolls... It was so incredible. And Jordan's grandpa let Eden and I choose a pen! I chose one with brushed aluminum, silver, and wood from one of the trees on the Salt Lake temple's grounds.  I slept on the long drive home.

Baseball And Fireworks

The game was good all in all. We had to wait for a half hour before they opened up the stadium, and when we were waiting we got whistled at by two cars full of boys. Some males are so irritating I just want to poke them in the eye. It was freezing. Good thing we brought two blankets and gloves and beanies, but still I froze. The Bees lost, a sad 0 to 9. It was fun to see Eden at work, she is a HoneyBee and so darling. There were fireworks after the game. So so lovely. They turned off all the lights in the stadium and the wind swept the fireworks away as they exploded against the black, overcast sky. I love fireworks. I love baseball. I love my funny little siblings.

I Dreamt A Music Video

I had such a strange sleep. It felt like I was half awake. I dreamt a music video to one of Mermaid Baby's songs. These guys had taken four white sheets and tied them together and put a ton of dry leaves in the inside to make this huge white ball thing. The whole thing was in slow motion. These guys took turns running this thing down this forested hill, one of the guys was big and had long frizzy hair. Well at the close of the song, the guy threw the leaf-filled sheet ball into a log and dry leaves went flying everywhere.   The dream ended. Pretty funny. I woke up singing the song, but I can't remember how it goes just now.

Sleep Is The Answer

We did nothing tonight. We looked for movies on Netflix and through our DVDs--nothing. Eden put "Aquamarine" on and I just wasn't in the mood. I tried to sleep but couldn't. I feel incomplete tonight and like my heart and lungs want to be outside of my body. So irritating. Just go to sleep, just go to sleep, I tell myself. I'm tired and have a dry cough and I think I'm getting a stuffy nose. I am looking forward to tomorrow--no school, bopper show at the studio, then over to the Ballou's with Eden. Yes, sleep is the answer. Sleep is many times the answer.

Pineapple Tongue

I have eaten so much pineapple in the last two days that my tongue feels raw. But it's so delicious!! Maurin's little bird died for real this evening, no coming back to life; dead as a door nail. I feel like my insides are buzzing...I need to go do something. Eden and I are trying to think of something fun to do. I love her.

A Miracle Of Sorts

This morning Maurin came into the kitchen and told me that her little baby bird had died during the night. We were very sad, it was darling. A little later she comes down and tells me it's alive! "It came back to life!" she told me. Sylivia even checked to see if it was dead before and when she had poked it's cold still body it hadn't moved, but now it was moving around! Severin held it against his chest and blew warm air on it. Something seemed to have happened to it because it was acting drunk; it couldn't stand on its own and its head was wobbling all over the place. It was actually hilarious to watch. Raised from the dead that little chick was, a miracle. I guess its doing better now and has recovered from its "intoxication". What a funny thing.

Last Day Of Junior Year

I woke up tired from a night of fitful sleep. But a warm shower helped, and I made it through my last day of my junior year in high school. I wore a black shirt, high-waisted striped shorts, sea horse necklace, white socks, my black old lady shoes, and red lipstick. It doesn't feel like it's really summer, this year nearly flew by, especially this last semester. I am grateful. Today was cool and a bit windy. In English, Premont said, "And Emma, when you finish writing your first novel let me know." I definitely will, hopefully I'll have Waking Dreams done by December before I graduate. And I'd like to work a little more on Riata as well. I think I will take a nap, sleep didn't come so easily last night.

A Sleepy Day

I stayed home and slept, and watched Jane Austin's "Emma", and slept some more, then went to dance. Class was hard, my muscles feel quivery, but I feel good. It's beautiful outside, a beautiful gray sky.

Old Poems

While I drank my smoothie I looked through my old journal. It is a 3-ring binder and has two plastic sleeves full of thoughts, drawings, words from me. It calmed me to look through it all. I found these two poems, they give me hope, and somehow remind me who I am.

Sun so hot. My face
Under its rays.
Mushrooms in the shade.
Mountains purple from my backyard. 
Egg shells; babies learn to fly. 
Running in green grass.
Daylight lasts forever.
Ants march.
Yellow daisies smile to the blue
Sky.




Rain clouds hang low
As if to suffocate us.
I take comfort from their cover.
Noise is hushed.
Yellow buttercups fill with rain water.
Deserted streets resemble riverbeds
And the earth is swollen with water. 
Yesterday is over,
Sunday is to come.

Wishing I Was Stone

I bite my bottom lip, and feel it quiver between my teeth. I will not cry. Be strong, be strong. Class ends, I cry on the way home. I hate myself for crying, I hate that small weak girl that lives inside me. When I get home I shower; the clean, warm water takes away my tears as them come. I cry and cry until I find myself on my knees. I sit there until the water turns cool, then finish showering. I step out and scrub my face dry with a clean towel, as if I could rub this girl away to reveal a stronger one. I wipe away the fog on the mirror and my face is still mine. Tomorrow will be better, I think to myself, tomorrow will be better.
I just want to feel solid. I want to not hate that fearful weak girl; I want her to be strong and determined. I want to be like Eden. I want to never feel like giving up. I hate that I want so much. And I hate that I hate. I always promised I would never hate anyone.
I'm done now. I will just wait for tomorrow, tomorrow will be better. I'll go to bed early, try not to feel anymore tonight. Sleep will help. Stupid stupid emotions, sometimes I wish I were stone.

Forward, Always Forward.

My skin radiates heat and glows with sunburn. I am grateful for the fan that cools me. Coconut and lavender oil attempt to heal the burn, I love the smell. I want to sleep in music tonight, maybe I will.

Sunday. May 20, 2012

Steve Cottle is our new bishop, many prayers for him. Good lessons today in church. I was reminded how little patience I have for people that are disrespectful. Made biscuits. We had chicken pot pie for dinner. After, we all went outside and looked at the eclipse through dad's welding helmet; incredible. Clay, Jordyn Gines, Eden, Lib, Syl, Sev, Maur, and I jumped on the trampoline all together and had such a good time. I got off and swung on the swing, it was fun to watch my family. Dad and Sterling were playing horse shoes, mom and Dal were talking, everyone else was still on the trampoline, and Bruce was chasing the chickens around. I love my family so so much. I imagined Michael there with us.
The eclipse made the lighting outside strange, it looked dingy (as mom described it). The grass is so beautiful and green and full; dad is doing such a great job at keeping it up. The weather was perfect.
Sylvia and I talked outside for probably an hour while everyone was playing around. I talked and talked and talked, but I think it helped her. I wish I could have recorded what I said so I could tell myself the same things when I get discouraged. My words were so full of truth and hope. She thanked me.
I read my patriarchal blessing today, I am grateful for it and am looking forward to living out what it foretells.
Eden went out with Jordan Ballou, so I did the dishes by myself. I am so tired.
I am so grateful for the people in my life that care. I am so grateful for the people that are clear and open and honest. I am grateful, I am grateful, I am grateful. I love Sundays.

Be Present

Be where you are. Be present, be present. This moment lives only once, as do you. The present is home--not the past or the future--the present is home. Never wish, just hope and have faith. Joy, contentment, peace. These are only truly found in the present. Be where you are. Be present, be present.

Speak. Express.

Sometimes, expressing feels like throwing up. When the words are trapped inside you, they make your stomach churn, your throat hurt, and your head ache. Sometime the words come out as an explosion, you can't help it. They might burn your throat on the way out--those long held words. But once outside of you, they no longer make you bitter or hurt. Much better. It is much better to speak and express.

Winking Practice

Today after class (ballet), we had rehearsal for the "bopper show" as Eden calls it. I was sitting watching and little Kenna looked over at me, so I winked at her. She attempted a wink back, so I winked at her again. We went back and forth a few times; winking. Little kids see everything, we must be aware of what we do and say. They absorb everything.

Cartoon Motorist

Driving home from dance, I have all four windows rolled down. The wind is warm though the sky is overcast. I love. I drive with one hand at the bottom of the steering wheel. I smile and almost want to laugh as a motorist whizzes past me. He is old with medium-length white hair going wild in the wind. His head is low and he reminds me of a cartoon. I decide I like him. I can just see my own dadda, smiling from ear to ear, zooming down the road on a-beast-of-a-Harley. He's always dreamt of that, I hope one day that dream comes true.

The Music Directs

I pull at my tights and adjust my leo. I prepare as the piano hums. Sweat drips from my hairline and makes my skin damp. My muscles quiver with the effort of the movement. My feet burn, ache, and cramp from my pointe shoes. I breathe and breathe. The combination is over and I melt into a stretch. Through it all the music directs my body's movement.

No Color

What if we lived in a black and white world? No color, no color.

A Gray Sculpture

I dreamt of a gray sculpture. It was of three people: one on a horse, one on the ground, and one in between them. The man in the middle was much larger than his neighbors, and His arms were stretched out, where they connected with the other two men. The man was Jesus Christ.

Summer So Close

One more week of school. My junior year is over, never to be lived again. The air nearly hums with excitement. Sprinklers make the grass green and full, and their shht-shht-shht is the melody to every day's song. Pants have been replaced with shorts and long sleeves with T-shirts. Skin has begun to darken to different shades of sun-kissed. Summer is so close.

Time With Sisters

Liberty, Sylvia, and I talked tonight for two hours. It was so fun. We talked about love and the future. We talked about boys and marriage. We talked about relationships and school. We laughed until we cried. Nights like these are bonding experiences. They remind us why we tell each other "love you, sweet dreams" every night. They make us feel like we belong. They make us best friends. I am grateful for these  special times with sisters.

Happily Exhausted

I woke up exhausted this morning. My whole soul and heart and mind felt so peaceful though. My eyes were puffy, but they felt smiling.

Regression

Mom and I did a regression tonight. Amazing. I saw myself at 11 years old, a little firecracker. I was so confident, so powerful, so optimistic and open. Ten feet tall.  I am so grateful for mom's skills and talents and how intuitive she is. I love her so much. I can change my life, I am in control. I choose truth. I allow myself to be ten feet tall. I am powerful. I am me. I am acceptable. I am amazing. I am that beautiful, little 11 years old girl. I am that glowing, wise spirit. I am. I accept. I choose. I allow. I flow. I express. I love.

The Clay

The clay morphs beneath my hands. And all of a sudden art is created. I shape and carve and mold. I find my ideas and thoughts in the clay; uncover, discover them in it.

Listen

Listen to their conversations: rambling nonsense. Listen to the tap of shoes on linoleum. Listen to the roar of unheard voices. Listen to the hum of the air conditioner and buzz of the lights. Listen to the teacher's tired voice. Listen to the desperate laughs. Listen to these young people silently begging for discipline, direction, and hope. Listen; you can hear it all. 

Red Lipstick

Smile at a stranger. Watch a silent film. Give someone a compliment. Wear red lipstick. Write a poem. Jump on the trampoline. Pick a bouquet of wildflowers. Watch a black and white movie. Buy a pocket dictionary.

Father's Blessing

Dad gave me a father's blessing tonight. It was perfect; everything I needed.  I am grateful for my two fathers; heavenly and earthly. I am so grateful for the priesthood. I look forward to receiving husband's blessings and watching my children receive father's blessings. I love men. I love the priesthood.

Train Racing

I drove along side a train today. There is something magnificent about those things.

MidNight Shower

Hot water. Pink razor. Smooth legs. Dove soap. Pomegranate shampoo. Soft hair. Coconut oil. Fresh.

Time

As life goes on, as we get older and wiser, we find that we cannot speed time up or slow it down, no matter how much we wish to. Time is the ultimate untouchable; it is space, air, universe, life.  It holds within itself the secrets of the future and the answers of the past.

Orchestra of Sound

Trees bow to the east
Hums the air
Underneath limbs I stand
Nature prepares itself for the storm to come
Drops begin to fall
Every thing holds its breath
Rain begins the orchestra of sound.

Flies of Butter

Harmonica plays my song of heart
Weaving a melody that traps me in it
I drown in the feel and sound of the art
As butterflies above me float and flit
They dive beneath invisible waves
And collect in my center to give me shivers
The flies of butter hide in my caves
Then erupt and jump like fish from rivers
I breathe in the blue of the music and sound
The butterflies exit with the air I wonder where the creatures are bound
When they leave my center and throat with care
I am left hollow inside
Void of the pleasure of nervous excitement
I find myself on the music's tide
As it reseeds and leaves me in the silent.

Live Silence

I listen to the silence
And hear all the sound
The buzzing and humming of the soundless
I listen and it grows
Until it deafens my ears
And for a moment all is dead
Silent.
The moment is gone
With the beat of my heart
And sound rushes back to my senses
It is clear to me now;
All here on earth
Every thing is alive
Living.

Sometimes

Sometimes...giving up is a relief that leaves a dull ache.
Sometimes...I would just like to sink to the middle of the earth and let the heat cleanse and heal me. I would resurface renewed; raw and solid and shiny.
Sometimes...I feel tired all the way to my soul.
Sometimes...I'd like to turn into music notes and float away on the sound waves.

Wandering

I feel like my heart is searching. Confused maybe. I'm not sure what it is confused about or what it searches for. But it does not feel like mine; this heart feels distant and lost. Maybe it is searching for something solid, something that will remind it that it is true and whole and good and constant. I step back from it, I will allow it its time of wandering. I will live in this body and wait patiently until this heart stops its searching and finds peace; until it returns to its rightful place in my chest.