Putting Maurin To Bed

Last night Maurin was sick and mom was at a birth and dad won't be home until Saturday. I tickled Maurin's back as I read the Book of Mormon out loud to her. I read three chapters and then slept. She snuggled up to me and slept soundly. Mom got home around 1:30 in the morning, she woke me up, thanked me, and I went down stairs to bed.

Sleep Running

I am sitting sideways on the couch, working on my online class. There is a fan blowing on my back and a huge cup of ice placed in my lap. Ice is one of my favorite snacks. I look over at Bruce, who is laying asleep a few feet from me. He is running in his sleep. Not literally running, but his feet and legs are twitching. His leg is still not healed, maybe he runs in his sleep to make up for not being able to run when he wakes up.

The Paper Kites

Beautiful music.

Sunday Outfit

Navy Blue pencil skirt with bow in back.
Blue and white stripped button up shirt.
Brown witch heels.
The rock and bead necklace to tie in red and brown.
Red lipstick optional.

Forgiving

Tonight was West Haven Days. We went to the rodeo and then watched the fireworks. I loved when all the lights in the whole park turned off all at once. My heart ached to have Michael there with me. After, on the way back to the van, we walked passed the girls from that awful ninth grade and the whole group they hang out with. I felt like I could throw up and literally had to stop myself from running away from them. Maybe its just that they hurt me so badly that I have such a hard time being around them. I have forgiven them, but they hurt me worse than I ever had been or have since. I wonder if I will ever speak to them again without being on my guard and clutching my heart tight to keep it from being hurt again. Honestly, I will probably never see any of them again after graduation, and I won't mind that. I pray for strength for when I have to stand in front of their judging eyes and bare my testimony in seminary. I feel that maybe this year I will heal, and rebuild the person I was before they broke me three years ago, but with more experience and a stronger, brighter light inside me. They hurt me more than I can say, but I am grateful for all they taught me. I forgive them.

Glowing Heart

Woke up at 3:30 in the morning and went to baptisms for the dead with my young women's group.
Sweet old men.
Clean feeling.
A silent temple square.
Glowing heart.
Peace.
Fasted all day until six at night and felt how it brought me closer to Heaven.

Telephone Game

Sylvia: "I was just thinking of grandma and Uncle Bobie and it made me think of bobas!"
Liberty: "Aw! You shouldn't have brought up bobas!"
Mom: "Poking who in the butt?"

:) Oh mother :) Just like when we play telephone.

I Choose

Last night Mandy and I had a really good chat. We talked about vulnerability and faith and the choice to be happy. This year for me is going to be...wonderful...but completely out of my comfort zone. I will be living on the spirit and guidance of God, or not at all. Being on seminary counsel is going to pull me out of this habit of invisibility. I will be seen, I will speak and be heard, I will influence and rise to whatever Heavenly Father needs me to be. This trip to Arizona has been exactly what I needed. I will get back to Utah and hit the ground running. I just have to breathe and allow everything to flow because I will be so busy and so pushed to my limits. But I am so grateful for this opportunity to grow and overcome the things that have held me back these three or four years. I choose to accept my calling here on earth. I choose to take responsibility for my experiences, because in reality I am the one who creates them.

Flood Light Soccer Game

The other night was a full one. We went to the Whitings for dinner and ate Hawaiian haystacks. I walked over to the school and called Eden and swung on the swings, it was nice to talk to her, I miss her. We left the Whitings house around eight and came back to Mandy's and got dress to go play soccer. We went to a park in the neighborhood, Tanner and two of his friends came. It was getting dark so we plugged in a flood light and shined it on the field. We played soccer. I was nervous, I had this fear of doing things that I wasn't sure I would be good at. But I am working on being vulnerable in all areas of my life and so I forgot what anyone else thought and I just had fun. Come to find out, I am pretty good at soccer. After a fun, hot game we came back to Mandy's and played a few games of basketball in the pool, then played Marco polo, then submarine. I woke up sore in the morning, but it was a good feeling.

Time In Arizona

My time in Arizona has been wonderful. I hold, feed, cook with, and swim with the little children and I love them immensely. Aunt Tammy gave me all of her Zane Grey books, I couldn't be more pleased about it. I am reading one right now and it is my safe haven of stillness and solitary peace. Maybe I shouldn't read, shouldn't escape into another world, but I love it and I figure maybe it is a release I need.
These children, as crazy as they are, make me want kids so much. Jenna is pregnant and about to pop, she should have her baby in the next week or so. I listened as mom and Mandy talked with her and I glowed with the knowledge that one day that would be me. Boston and his three teeth, the two little girls with their hilarious ways... I smile and am so grateful for their lives and little beings.

I keep having dreams, every night I dream something different and I just want a silent sleep tonight. There is a part of me that really just wants to go stay up in the mountains or on a ranch (a Zane Grey novel setting) and live there and work for strangers by myself. I wouldn't be expected to talk or entertain, I would just exist and soak in the stillness of such a life. But I live in reality and I know that I will only ever find that in my novels. I am seeing a repeating pattern of a need for stillness... yet Heavenly Father does not have that in store for me I'm afraid.

Model Walking Practice

We went to mom's cousin's kid's wedding reception tonight. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. There is something freeing about not knowing anybody and just watching people. They played good music and I danced with Severin and Maurin. Grandma and Grandpa were there and we talked for a little. They held hands when we were walking out, I like that. We were waiting by the van while mom finished talking to Grandma and Grandpa and we were practicing our model walks... pretty entertaining. I love my siblings. On the way home Sylvia said, "Mom, Sev needs to go shopping, his shoes don't fit anymore." Severin said, "No, I can't go shopping. I only go shopping every five years." Ha! That boy, got to love him.

Ava's Lullaby

This is just so darling: I'm sitting here watching Ava and Paisley. Paisley is laying on the ground, Ava is sitting next to her stroking her little sisters hair and singing a lullaby.

Swimming

We all swam this afternoon. Ava and I had a blast together. Once she tipped out of the floaty and I had to hurry and grab her. She doesn't know how to swim and going under water backwards could have been very alarming for her, but she held her breath well until I lifted her out of the water. She was totally fine and was so proud of herself for holding her breathe.

Arizona Summer Gloves

Last night after dinner I went for a short swim and then watched So You Think You Can Dance. I helped Ava and Paisley get ready for bed. Ava was cold from being in the pool and so she picked out long pajamas, a beany, gloves, and socks... keep in mind we are in Arizona in the summer. "So cold, so cold!" she kept saying as I helped pull the gloves and socks on her hands and feet. Really so funny, that little lady.

Drive Read Drive

I am now in Arizona at Mandy's house. The 12 hour drive went smoothly. I drove about half the time. When I wasn't driving, I was reading out loud to everyone. The book is an old western novel and it was so fun to read aloud, Lib and I would switch off when our voices got tired. By the time we made it to Mandy's house my throat was a little sore and my voice was rough. I love this beautiful family. Boston is getting so big and Ava and Paisley are darling. Love Love Love.  

Purple Thumb

We made homemade sub sandwiches for lunch today, they were very tasty. I took a nice shower and noticed that my thumb is purple. The swelling has gone down and I can move it more with out it hurting, but there is a nice purple bruise. We are going to drive up the canyon so Janelle and her kids can see it. I am going to let my hair air dry. It's so windy outside, I love it. I imagine the wind blowing all the negative, stuck energy away from me.

First Class With Jarrod The Ballet Man

Today Jarrod, from San Francisco Ballet, taught our class. It was wonderful. He is beautiful and loves ballet. I loved the way he talked about it, why he loves it. I was preparing to be invisible in class, but he saw me and commented and critiqued and I was glad. I felt beautiful and acceptable and I worked so hard. My muscles are exhausted and I am fully content. I prayed this morning for my angels to be with me, my prayer was answered. I am so grateful for angels and their willingness and desire to help us here on earth. It was a beautiful, educating, and inspiring class.

Monster Dream

I had such a strange dream last night. There were so many monsters in it. Not the kind of monsters that are in children's movies, but real monsters. Some were shadows without faces, some were huge and hairy with claws and teeth. They never caught me, because I ran. You should never run from anything in your dreams, because everything represents a part of you. If you are running from something in your dream, you are most likely running from a part of yourself or situation. I will continue to try and accept myself as a whole; every flaw and beauty. Stop running.

Girl And Dog

I stand in the kitchen, smile, and watch: Josie is in the mud room dancing in front of Bruce, who's head rests on his front paws and watches the little girl in front of him. She prances and twirls and begins to sing, Bruce's eyebrows twitch expressively. Josie skips to the dog and gently places her small hand on his nose, then pets his large, white head. I smile, and bless her for her sweet hands and trusting heart.

Courage

"Your mind will quit a thousand times before your body will. Feel the fear and do it anyway."

Beauties

The front room is messy. Fans stand next to the open windows to blow in cool air. The dishes are done earlier than usual. The kitchen floor is in need of sweeping and mopping. The computer desk is cluttered with papers. The windows need cleaning. I need to shower. Bruce stinks. The rock garden is being taken over by weeds and mint plants. But... children are heard, respected, and loved. Family is most important and has fun together always. The house plants grow beautifully. My pottery decorates the front room shelves. Music and laughter is the background sound to our lives. There is food in our fridge and pantries. We are healthy and strong people. The gospel blesses our lives. Books of knowledge fill the shelves. The grass is green and full. It is summer. And so so so much more. The beauties and blessings in life far outweigh the trials and annoyances. You see what you choose to see. Choose to see the beauty, blessings, and miracles.

Monster Tromp

Everyone is outside enjoying the warm summer evening. Maurin and Severin are jumping on the trampoline with water and soap. Dad, Clayton, Jordyn, Janelle's kids, and Sylvia are dipping circles of yarn in a bucket of soap water and then pulling them out and running with them, creating huge soap bubbles. Janelle is sitting in the grass taking pictures of it all. Manning does his monster tromp over to his mother and pats her on the shoulder, she turns her camera to him and he gives her a cheesy smile. Sterling and Dallin are sitting on the couch next to me--serenading. Sterling is playing the guitar and singing while Dallin sings along quietly.  I look out the window again, Bruce is rolling in the cool, green grass. The sound of house fans is mixed with the shrill of laughter. I love summer. I love my family. I love life.

Beautiful, Challenging Gifts

Woke up to the smell of pancakes and discovered it was fast Sunday. It was easy for me to sit at the table while the little kids ate, listen to mom and Janelle talk, and not eat or drink. I was grateful. I thought about what I wanted to fast for and decided I would fast for dad and Michael. As I listened to Janelle talk about her husband, it occurred to me that once you get married you and your spouse are one. You are responsible for one another, there is no room for selfishness or miscommunication. You pray with and for them, you fast with and for them, you endure with and for them... everything is together, your life is shared with another, and will soon be shared with children as well. I think having children strips a woman of her pride, arrogance, selfishness, control, and more. It makes a woman humble, faithful in her Father, patient, and so so strong. Of course, we are not perfect and often times it takes us a lifetime to learn one concept or attain even one value. But motherhood is a great, great blessing, and a key role in our pursuit to perfection. As for what having children does to men, I am not quite sure. All I know is that it makes boys into men. I am so grateful for those beautiful, challenging gifts that we call children.

Trip-Dive!

I woke up so sore this morning. We had pancakes for breakfast. We cleaned the house, then packed up and drove to Willard Bay. We stopped at the store to grab some stuff and I held Josie while Janelle and mom ran in. It was such a beautiful day, the water was pretty nasty but it was deliciously cold and refreshing. Manning was absolutely hilarious, such a cute kid. Lib and I decided to run and dive into the water to avoid the awful experience of going in slowly. So we ran...well the beach was rocky and its very difficult to run in water, so I ended up diving before I had planned (trip-dive!). I hit my hand on the bottom rocks--one rock jabbed into the meaty part of my thumb, paralyzing my whole hand for a good 5 minutes. It hurt so badly and swelled up. Eden, Liberty, and I fell asleep on a blanket. I couldn't help but wish the whole time that Michael could be with us. We had s'mores and Manning took his apart, ate the chocolate, then put it back together and left it on the table, (he is about 18 months old), then walked around with a chocolate smile. We packed up around 7:30 and headed home, it was such a fun and lovely day.

Old Car Show

Dance today was interesting. We did barre on pointe and I cried and worked hard and tried to be positive. For center Ray taught us a variation, it was fun. For the Art Walk (every first friday of the month in Ogden), I worked on my choreography. Ray had asked me to so I did. Abbey and Ashley stayed so I taught them choreography and we got some good stuff done, I'm excited. After dance I walked over to 25th street and met up with dad, E, Jordan, Lib, Syl, Maur and her friend. There was an old car show going on, it was fantastic! I love old cars with all my heart! We saw the Ellis's there and Gary's dad's car won quite a few prizes. It was such a beautiful night, the smell of summer is intoxicating.

Wet Trampoline

Janelle and her kids came up from Vegas, they arrived in the middle of the night and are staying the girls' room, who are staying with Eden and I. Mom woke us up around 7 this morning, I was so tired. We made waffles and when Janelle and her kids woke up we entertained them. Mom and Janelle went to check out the Montessori school so we baby sat her kids. We jumped on the trampoline as the sprinklers sprayed us. Josie held both my hands so tight, it was very cute. I held little Manning on my lap when Eden wanted to jump, that kid is so stinking darling! Every time I spend time around a mother of young children I see how.... selfless motherhood is.  It's a full time job, a continual service project. And I believe it is one of the greatest privileges of all. I am so looking forward to being a mother.