My time in Arizona has been wonderful. I hold, feed, cook with, and swim with the little children and I love them immensely. Aunt Tammy gave me all of her Zane Grey books, I couldn't be more pleased about it. I am reading one right now and it is my safe haven of stillness and solitary peace. Maybe I shouldn't read, shouldn't escape into another world, but I love it and I figure maybe it is a release I need.
These children, as crazy as they are, make me want kids so much. Jenna is pregnant and about to pop, she should have her baby in the next week or so. I listened as mom and Mandy talked with her and I glowed with the knowledge that one day that would be me. Boston and his three teeth, the two little girls with their hilarious ways... I smile and am so grateful for their lives and little beings.
I keep having dreams, every night I dream something different and I just want a silent sleep tonight. There is a part of me that really just wants to go stay up in the mountains or on a ranch (a Zane Grey novel setting) and live there and work for strangers by myself. I wouldn't be expected to talk or entertain, I would just exist and soak in the stillness of such a life. But I live in reality and I know that I will only ever find that in my novels. I am seeing a repeating pattern of a need for stillness... yet Heavenly Father does not have that in store for me I'm afraid.
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